Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
