Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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