Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
