Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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