I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Randomize
