it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
