She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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