FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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