I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
