her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
