Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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