3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
