I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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