dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
