the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
