the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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