I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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