Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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