just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
