I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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