Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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