Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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