sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
