I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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