Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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