Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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