Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
