you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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