Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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