my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
