I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
