Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
