i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
