I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize