He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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