a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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