The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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