UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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