I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
