Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
