I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
