I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
