youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
