I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
