my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
