I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
