I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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