Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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