I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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