well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
