I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
