My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
