If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If I die, sorry about rent.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
