Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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