Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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