can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
