I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Randomize
