i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
