I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
