Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
