I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
they're like a gay fantastic four
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize