I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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