i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
