I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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