Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Panties = found
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize